Failure

I only have four more working days until the summer holiday now, and I’ll be honest – it couldn’t come soon enough. My new job (if it can still be considered new after five months) is rewarding, but oh so exhausting. I’m working more hours than I’ve managed to in years since I became ill, and it’s definitely taking its toll.

When I get home from work I am so exhausted that I rarely manage to get anything done. Most days I fall asleep, and never wake up enough to do anything worthwhile. I’ll force myself to cook something for dinner, and that’s about it. The flat isn’t nearly as tidy as I would like, since I fall behind on cleaning. Lots of things need to be done/sorted, and I just don’t have the energy to do it.

All in all, it makes me feel like a failure. It might sound stupid, but I would like to keep a nice, tidy house for the boyfriend. I moved over here, and I’m contributing very little to the household in the form of income due to working less hours, and having a lower hourly rate to begin with. So I feel that the least I could do is cook dinner and keep the flat tidy. But I’m not even managing that most of the time.

I really hate being this tired. It’s the kind of tired when it doesn’t really matter how much – or little – you sleep; you’re still exhausted. I’ve tried to not fall asleep when I get home from work, just to have some more time to do things, but some days it’s impossible. I just can’t keep my eyes open.

I just wish I could do more and get more things done. It’s become especially obvious now that some of my family is coming to visit next week. There are so many things I’d like to get done before they get here, and I’m getting nowhere with them, because I’m just too exhausted after work.

Well, that’s enough whining for today I think. Every now and then I just need to vent. I realise that it probably gets boring for anyone reading this blog for a while, since a lot of my posts are basically “I’m tired”. Which, I suppose, is because I’m always tired. I’ve been tired for many years, and I honestly can’t remember what it feels like to not be tired.

Positive thought; only four more working days and then six weeks off!


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