Personal Update

So, it’s been pretty quiet around here lately – that’s because I’m spending hardly any time at the computer these days (and I’m too old to write anything longer than a text message on my phone), due to feeling exhausted (and uncomfortable) most of the time.

There’s a reason for that.

If everything goes well, there will be a Struggling Baby joining us in March 2018.

I’m happy, but also terrified.

It’s frustrating in a way though, because pregnancy seems to have exacerbated my chronic fatigue, and I’ve spent most of it being more or less passed out on the couch when not at work (and only barely staying awake at work). Which means that, again, nothing is being written or edited. I need to try to pick myself up for the last trimester and do as much as possible, because who knows what kind of time and energy I have once the baby arrives (methinks – very little).

Anyway, it’s good news. And lots of writers are parents, so hopefully I’ll figure out a new routine eventually where I can fit both baby and writing.

Struggling Baby, ETA March 2018.

Taking the Summer Off

Lately I’m so incredibly tired that I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I’m barely functioning. I don’t know whether it’s the heat, the lack of sleep/weird routines that come from working night shifts, or my CFS acting up – all I know is that I’m dead tired.

Combine that with my fibro getting worse again the last month or so, after having been fairly manageable for a while. It’s still not as bad as it could be, for which I’m grateful, but it’s making some things harder than they need to be.

All of these things affect my mood as well. Which is not unsurprising. When you don’t have the energy to do any of the things you want to do, or set out to do – you feel like a waste of space.

And so, in an effort to let myself off the hook and to give myself some space to recuperate and hopefully get some energy back, I’m taking the summer off from writing. I don’t want to set myself up to fail, because it’s soul-crushing to do so. I’ve done it before, and it was a hard thing to come back from.

I will still be around, blogging when I have something to blog about, and probably writing down ideas and things for whatever I’m writing on. And sure, if I suddenly have a burst of energy, I’ll do some writing/revising. But I won’t set any goals for July and August, because I know I would fail them.

Some people say that you have to write every single day, and as much as I’d like to do that – at the moment it’s just not possible. Sometimes you have to realize what’s going on with your body and your mind, and take care of yourself. So that’s what I’ll be doing.

I’m not afraid of flying

As I’ve just been traveling by plane I started to think about flying, and how I feel about it. A lot of people in my family are afraid to fly, while I’m not. I mean, not really. At least not enough to keep me from traveling by plane to whichever destination I need to go. That said, it doesn’t mean that I enjoy flying.

The evening before my return flight I was listening to the radio while they were talking about the fear of flying. Statistically it’s safer to fly than to drive a car or go by train, yet a lot of people are afraid of flying – but not those other things. They gave a few possible reasons for this on the show, but not the one that I personally find the most obvious – the odds of survival.

I feel like if I’m in a car accident or train accident, I have some chance to survive. If my plane goes down… The odds are kind of stacked against you on that one.

Exactly what I don’t want to see when going in for a landing.

I like to think that I handle flying fairly well, I’m just aware of my own mortality. I dislike the take-off and landing the most, possibly because that’s when the most accidents occur. Turbulence is very uncomfortable as well. I don’t even like roller-coasters, so going into a quick dip at 30,000 ft isn’t my cup of tea. It worries me when I hear about research that show that the turbulence is going to get worse and worse because of our carbon dioxide emissions. Turbulence might possibly bother me more than anything during a flight.

The better way of flying?

Then there are the maths. On average I probably do three round-trips a year. It’s nothing compared to people who travel for work, but it’s possibly more than the average person? Statistically, I imagine that the more flights you take, the greater the odds of something happening. I’m no maths genius though, so it probably doesn’t work like that at all.

How do you feel about flying?

Happy Easter!

It’s that time of year again when we stuff our faces with chocolate and chase rabbits down the hole…

I’m currently in Sweden visiting family, and so I get to enjoy the Scandinavian traditions which are actually quite different. No bunnies and none of the traditional British Easter eggs that we all know and love. There are Easter eggs of course, but you wouldn’t be able to go out and buy yourself a Maltesers or Galaxy egg. Rather they just have lots of the tiny ones, in a pick and mix type.

You see a lot more of chickens than bunnies, and because all Scandinavian traditions are mixed with their old ways, there are Easter witches. Because… Well, because when they converted Scandinavia to Christianity they found that it was easier to just let them hold onto their old ways, and just tag the new Christian traditions onto them. So now they are left with a combination of both.

Most of the dates of the heathen holidays pretty much lined up with the Christian ones anyway, so why make a fuss when they could just combine it? You can notice it in a way because up here they tend to celebrate all holidays on the eve rather than the day. Like most of the celebrations take place on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day. I celebrated Easter yesterday (Saturday) rather than today (Sunday).

They also celebrate Midsummer’s Eve (originally summer solstice) every June.

But today we’re talking about Easter.

So, Easter witches.

It all stems from back in the day when people were very superstitious. They believed that the night before Easter, all of the witches would get on their brooms and ride to Blåkulla (Blockula) to meet with the Devil for the witches’ Sabbath. While obviously no one believes in witches anymore, the tradition somehow lives on in the children dressing up as witches for Easter.

See how scary the Easter witches are?

Beyond dressing up as witches, the traditions vary depending on where in the country you live. Some parts have an approach similar to Halloween where the children will walk between houses and ask for candy. The area where my family live, the children will draw something on a piece of paper, fold it into a letter and fill it with candy. They’ll then throw it into their friends’ homes and run off, and the friend is meant to run after them to try to catch them.

I love finding out about local traditions or even traditions that differ between countries. That said, with internet and the amount of information that’s around these days, I do find that the lines blur. People see things on tv/the internet and suddenly things from other countries appear. (Like I actually saw a couple of Easter bunnies in the Easter parade yesterday, something I’ve never seen before in Sweden.)

In any case, I wish you all a Happy Easter – no matter where you are in the world.

Does your country/family/region have any special Easter traditions?

Things We Don’t Say

This is a personal post, so if you’re only interested in reading about writing and similar things, you might want to skip this one.

There are some unspoken rules in our society about things that we should and should not share with others, and I’m going to break one today, because I need to write about it. Writing is how I deal with things, and I also think that we should be able to share anything we feel that we want to. I know others might prefer to keep it silent, and that’s fine too. Everyone should do whatever feels right for them.

Up until a few days ago I was pregnant.

I lost the pregnancy at 11,5 weeks, just short of that “magic” number when you’re generally considered to have passed the worst bit. While things can still go wrong, most miscarriages happen before week 12. Before it happened to me, I never thought I’d take it this hard. I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve made it through on the other end, and I will this time too. It’s just surprising how much it hurts.

While I was cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy (something I had wanted for a long time), it was difficult to keep my enthusiasm down. I knew that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I was still hoping. It’s difficult not to. Against better judgment I was thinking ahead, dreaming of things to come. Now all those dreams have shattered, and I have shattered with them.

Part of me feels ashamed of being as upset as I am. There are people who lose their babies, there are those who miscarry a lot later. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself after 11,5 weeks. How dare I?

Another part of me just feels sad. Sometimes I just feel numb. I’m sure that I’ll get over this, but for now I will allow myself to feel sad. Even if just for a while.

Direction

… Or lack thereof. Sometimes I wonder what I want to do with myself, and I always seem to come up short of an answer. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know that I want to have a family at some point in my life, and I want to be a published author and hopefully be able to live off my writing. However, the odds of that aren’t that great, so I need a back-up plan, and that’s where I’m coming up short.

I’m currently working at a company where I’m not very comfortable, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I just don’t know what to do if I’m not working there. I’m kind of tired of living in The Netherlands. I love my friends and my apartment, but it just kind of feels like it’s time to do something different. (Been here for more than 5 years now.)

I have a very good friend – one of my best – in Florida, and I’d love to go there for some time. Living so far away naturally means we don’t meet so often, so it’d be great to live there for a while. Also, it’d give me something else to do for a while. Something I feel I need.

But getting to go to America isn’t easy. Greencards, work permits and all that.

I just don’t know. And I hate not knowing. Maybe I should go back to school, but not really sure what I’d like to study. I guess I do know what I’d like to do, it’s just not possible. I’d like to move to Florida for a while and work there, but for aforementioned reasons, that’s not possible.

I’m rambling. I’m good at that. There should be an award for the most rambling achieved in the shortest amount of time…

To summarise: I wish I knew what to do.

Move back to Sweden? Move to Florida (if it was possible)? Stay where I am?
A possibility, though not the best one, would be to move all my stuff back to Sweden and then go on an extended trip to Florida (I’m allowed 90 days). But then I wouldn’t know what to do when I came back after those 90 days. So it’d just be postponing the inevitable.

Ok, will stop rambling now. I need to write a synopsis for the Golden Heart contest (I’m very good at procrastinating if you haven’t realised).

Life Goes On…

Isn’t that another song title? Anyway, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Life does go on… A little more empty and a little sadder (at least for now), but it does go on.

It’s been two months since last I wrote something, I just haven’t really felt like writing. But, let’s see… What’s happened since? Well, it’s now two months since my boyfriend broke up with me and I’m slowly regaining my balance. I went to Sweden for 1.5 weeks during Christmas and New Year’s and it felt very nice to see my family again.

Even with a broken heart I’ve managed to keep writing on my romance novel, and I can now proudly say that I’ve written half 🙂 So… Just another 200 pages to go *lol* Slightly terrifying thought, but I hope to make it.

I think what I’m mainly having at the moment is withdrawals. I feel a little lonely every now and then. I miss having someone I can be close to… Being slightly reserved as a person whoever I’m dating is usually my sole source of bodily contact… And I miss that contact. I miss having someone that will allow me to even just be close and cuddle. I miss kissing…

Well… I’m sure you get the point.

Maybe there’s a reason many people go for a rebound *lol*

My Happy Ending

I never thought I’d say this… but I can actually relate to one of Avril Lavigne’s songs… This is quite a lot like I feel…

My Happy Ending

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

Let’s talk this over

It’s not like we’re dead

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don’t leave me hangin’

In a city so dead

Held up so high

On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You’ve got your dumb friends

I know what they say

They tell you I’m difficult

But so are they

But they don’t know me

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me

All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

It’s nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It’s nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending.

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

It Hurts…

It’s almost been a week now, but the pain is still there. Not that I expected it to be gone any time soon, but it’s still frustrating. Everyone is telling me that I seem to take it so well, but that’s not really true, I just don’t show how I feel. I never really do…

I feel lost… adrift… without direction… I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and now I lost a large part of that. The knowledge that I will never be able to hold him close or hug him or wake up next to him in the morning, or go to sleep with him by my side… It breaks my heart.

I keep feeling like I will never find someone else, don’t even know if I want to. But I guess that’s a phase and I will get over it. Or at least I hope so.

It just hurts… Thoughts and questions keep going through my head… Why didn’t he love me enough to stay with me? Did he ever love me? Did he stop loving me but never got around to breaking up with me? Was I with him and he wished I wasn’t? Is he relieved to be rid of me now? Why was I not worth fighting for?

This is my first weekend in my apartment… I used to spend my entire weekend at his house. It feels hard… I miss him… I just don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m alone….

I guess I always suspected that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but finding out that it was true is a lot more hurtful than I ever thought possible.

Where do I go from here?

That is a very important question at this moment of time, I suppose. Yet I have no answer. I find myself at loose ends unable to decide what I want to do and where I want to go.

I moved away from home to experience another country and be closer to by boyfriend. I’ve experienced the country now for almost 5 years, and my boyfriend has broken up with me. So what should I do next?

Should I stay where I am, where I’ve got a job and a nice appartment as well as a few friends. Or should I return home to Sweden where my family is and try to make a life for me there. Or… Should I try another country all together? So many questions and so few answers. I really don’t know what I want to do.

I guess I was always hoping that this was it, I’d found the love of my life and we’d settle down together and I’d never have to worry about what to do with my life. Well, since that didn’t happen, I’ll have to make some decisions.

However, I’m still hurting, it’s only been like 36 hours or so… I guess I shouldn’t worry about these kind of things yet. But I can’t help starting to think about it, I guess I’m an incurable planner, I like having a good idea about where I’m going.

But for now I guess I better concentrate on being comfortable with myself, celebrate Christmas with my family… and then I can worry about the rest later.