So it’s happened. Our relationship is over as per 2.30 am last night.
I guess I was kind of expecting it, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. After all, this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… But apparently he didn’t feel the same way about me. I realise that considering that, it’s better that it ended, but it still hurts.
You can’t really escape the questions… Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he love me as much as I love him?
The thought of never seeing him again, never hugging him or holding him close, never speaking with him, it breaks my heart.
But in the end, I hope he’ll be happy. That he’ll find the happiness he couldn’t find with me.
For myself I just have to take one day at a time to begin with. We’re less than 4 weeks away from what would have been our 5 year anniversary, that feels sad. I have to decide what I want to do with my life, because at this point, I really don’t know. I kept hoping that we could work out our difficulties and that we’d stay together. Now that I’m alone again, I have no idea what to do with myself.
There are many options, but at this moment neither seems enticing. I hope that as time progresses I will be more interested in something though, and maybe I can find something I wish to do.
Right now, I will concentrate on other things, try to forget the pain, maybe start buying Christmas gifts for when I’m going home to visit in a month. That’ll be good and hopefully help some… Seeing my family again.
So the Christmas Countdown is starting early this year, I’m already waiting for it and hoping it will soon be time to take in and dress the tree. It’s just over 5 weeks left, so not so much longer! (I guess I better start looking for Christmas gifts…)
At the same time I feel kind of sad as well, because I seem to be in the same spot I was one year ago… or even two years ago for that matter. I would love for my boyfriend to come with me and celebrate Christmas in Sweden with me, just once… If he doesn’t like it, then fair enough… But he refuses to come along every year. In fact, he’s refusing to come along to Sweden at all since about 4.5 years now.
Last year I was practically begging on my knees for him to join me, but he wouldn’t relent. This year I’ve given up on begging since it obviously makes no difference. I seem to be out of options, and I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that he won’t come along.
But then where does that leave our relationship, if he will never come with me to visit my family? I know I’m not someone who could keep the lives completely separate, I’m not someone who would even want to. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I believe in living together and sharing each other’s lives… Visiting each other’s families… Getting married… Having children… (Sure, a bit of time apart every now and then is only healthy, but that’s a different point)
The way our relationship is now, I know it won’t last… Because I can’t live my life that way… And if leaves me feeling a bit at odds and not knowing where to go from here. He’s giving me no indication of what he wants… Whenever I try to find out I just don’t get an answer… And I don’t know what to do…
Anyway, on a different note. I managed to finish Chapter 6 today… It needs some revisions, but I’m thinking I’ll do that later on, right now I really just need to keep writing to keep the book moving.
But now I’m going to watch Shrek 2 (again) and feel sorry for myself…
Yes yes, I know that’s the title of a song, but it seemed suitable.
I ended up being sick all of last week so didn’t get anything written at all, which makes me feel really guilty. I’ve already failed my own personal deadline. Anyway, I’m planning to get back on track this week and get Chapter 6 ready by Sunday!
It’s amazing really how exhausted you can be after having spent an entire week in bed. One would think you’d feel rested and relaxed instead, but no…
Of course I’ve come back to a fairly humongous backlog of work that’s been piled up during my absence last week. I’ve worked through some of it, but there’s still a lot to go.
Hmm.. I’ve just realised this must be one of the most boring blogs in the history of the universe, but I’m doing it mainly for my own entertainment anyway, so who cares?
Well, I better get back to that pile of work…